As the sun shed its last tears and hid behind the clouds’ veil, the desolate feeling pools under my abdomen. The anger. The rage. All the emotions course through me as I keep a straight face and walk towards my bed. A glass of water. Yes, a glass of water is what I need. Drown everything out, and suppress everything. Be the better man, they said. Be strong, they said. And that’s what I did. I became what people expected me to become without sparing a thought about my own self.
Rain splattered on the window as I was on my way home in an empty bus. And next thing I know, I lean my head on the window pane, and heaved out, with sadness clinging on to my foggy breath. The rain brought forth joy, and yet, today, it felt different. It felt like the rain wasn’t there to comfort me, it was there to punish me. A quote came unbidden into my mind, ‘I love the rains because at least then, I could cry without fear of being noticed.’
In my last post, I asked myself questions, to which I had no answers to. Why am I the way I am? Why do I work hard to give out a piece of me readily, but when I expect this out of others, I get let down massively?
One of my good friends said something to me, and it’s a lesson I would never forget. ‘Prioritize what you need, and what you want. Then choose what is more important. The point is, secure your future, saturate your present with purpose, and leave your past behind. You don’t have time to grieve that shit’. Accompanied with him drinking flavored milk, I didn’t take it seriously. But yes. He’s right. I have no time for grief. More like I don’t want to dwell on it for too long. I’ve found that thinking too much about it makes it easy to sink into it. And that’s the one thing that I cannot do.
I remember a few days where convincing myself to get off the bed was the most difficult thing to do. Feeling unloved, feeling left out, ostracized, and overall, a sense of dread all around me; the world seemed to have lost all its colors. College seemed like a symphony of monotony. Hostel seemed a pain, where everyone was busy with their own life, and I had nobody to talk to. Everything felt like one of those D-rate black and white movies where there isn’t much of a plot. Aimless, and wandering. That’s what I ultimately began calling myself. Self worth- nil. Self respect-down in the pits. And the worst part? I pretended to be fine. To be okay with what people said. To be okay with what I had become.
I had lung infection, and that left me (quite literally) in a skin and bones state. People said things. Harsh things. A skeleton who escaped from a bio lab. A Guantanamo bay prisoner. And the worst part is I let them do that to me. I accepted whatever they said, because heck, everyone is saying it, so it must be true. I let myself be influenced by what people said, and yes, like I said earlier, if someone complimented me, I refused to accept it. Looking at myself in a positive light? No way. ‘You’re lying’, that was the first thought that came to my mind.
I genuinely don’t know what caused this radical change. Maybe the fact that I didn’t have someone to talk to, maybe because I’ve grown to brush my own problems under the carpet because I just figured it’s not worth anyone’s time to listen about them. I got so caught up with what I can do for others that I completely disregarded myself. I felt that being nice, being kind to others would make me feel better. But no. Giving that seat to the old man in front of me in the bus made me feel good for a while, but then, I felt the pressure on my ankles, and I regret the decision immediately. Giving that last piece of gulab jamun to a friend because his fell down. The dissatisfaction after that. Comforting someone when they’re upset by buying them a cake. And then the stabbing pain as I realize that the same person wouldn’t even bother accompanying me for a cup of tea.
I’ve known how the situation has been for quite a while, but I never took the effort to change things. Why? Because I’d become so used to it, that I began to think it is the natural order of things. Everyone undergoes it. I let everyone take me for granted, an accursed doormat. I read those shit posts on Facebook, ‘respect others, whether they deserve it or not, because it’s reflection of your good upbringing’, and things like ‘what has to happen will happen’.
Yeah, I was the kind of person who accepted bullshit like that, and sleep fitfully. Woke up in a daze, if at all I did get to sleep properly. And then the same pattern, the same frightfully silent days at college, return home, eat, and then try to get sleep again.
All this happened, and in the meantime, there were scuffles with my friends. Something happened recently, and that put my very best friends against me, and in the heat of the moment, I was called a nobody. A wastrel. Add that to the long list of things that have made me question my existence.
What I never considered was taking my own life in my hands. Sure, they’re not the most experienced hands, but my life is safest there. I always let others determine how happy I should be. My happiness depended on the happiness of others who surrounded me. What I never considered is that I have a choice. I thought life would be like a fairy tale, if no superhero would come, at least karma would deliver justice. Something miraculous would happen and I would be pulled out of my own misery. We’re taught to be kind, to be good, honest, and above all, accept others. What we’re not taught is that these things sound really nice in stories. In real life, they’re looked down upon. Mocked for being nice to everyone. Mocked for being good to those who’ve been mean to me. Mocked for letting people trample on my feelings and not getting back at them.
Well this is where I take my life into my hands. This is where I say, sorry. I’m not staying in your lives any longer. I won’t wear my best fake smile to be around my best fake friends. I won’t accept your ‘sorries’ for not replying back to me, because I gave you priority over other things, and you can’t spare a few seconds for me. I won’t be nice to you, because I’ve learnt that you don’t deserve it. I won’t forgive you, because you overlook every good thing that I do, and I mess up once, just once, and you unleashed a tirade over me. Strangers would welcome my kindness, maybe cherish it. But most would mock it. No, I do not believe you when you say that the world isn’t all bad.
I’m done. I will not be a living apology for anyone anymore. Been there, done that. And nothing good came out of it. If I’m not important enough for you, I will definitely not make you an important person in my life. I’m done feeling pity for myself, crying around, screaming in my head for help. And I am definitely done with damaging my own soul for the sake of someone else. I will not let you treat me like dirt, and then let you walk away without a proper apology. It’s about time I admit to myself that I deserve better. I am done with letting the ghosts of my past influence my present and messing up my future. I’m gonna pull a supernatural on them and destroy those translucent little nutbags.
There’s only one thing I need to tell you guys. Karma is an everlasting little bitch. You need to figure out a way to deal with it. Most would wave it away, most would fight it. But many fail to realize something, that at the end of the day, when you’re lying on your bed, awake at 2:00 am wandering the plains of your past, you’ll only have yourself to answer to. So whatever you do, make sure it doesn’t damage your soul. Don’t let others tell you how to behave, what it acceptable, and what is not. Get that piercing or tattoo that you’ve always wanted. Yell at the people who try to boss you around. Go around restaurant hopping and treat yourself to that fantastic little meal that you’ve wanted to have all this time. Respect yourself. That is the one thing that I didn’t do, and I lived to regret it. Be yourself. Be strong. Be a unicorn.