*3:30 AM, 14th February, 2016*
…..I guess that’s my fatal flaw. I want to be socially accepted, and not be a third wheel. I want to be the nice guy with a girlfriend. I want to be the guy who can afford expensive things and still save up enough money to make his parents proud. I guess all these things contradict each other a lot. ‘We all want something we can’t have’ is an apt saying for this situation.
I’ve faced a lot of disappointment, particularly with myself. Mostly because of my very own nature working against me.
People say I’m nice, people say that I’m a good guy, a great friend. If that’s the case, then why can’t I find happiness in what I do? If I’m nice, why do I end up sitting alone in a corner, or at the edge? Why do I get to play third wheel? Why do I feel ostracised? These questions have ripped my head through all these weeks, where I’ve come to a reversal state, where I can’t sleep properly at night, and I can’t function properly during the day. Nice guys finish last. The words repeat themselves all night long, bouncing off the walls in my head, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I have a friend who seems… unaffected by anything. He frankly doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion about him, nor does he seem affected if someone insults him. He calls himself emotionless, and, even though I feel bad for admitting it, I want to be like him. At least in the sense of being impervious to things like feelings and emotions. Then, at least then, I won’t feel hurt or left out. I wouldn’t feel bad for having coffee alone, and I certainly wouldn’t feel lonely even while sitting in class. Then, at least, I won’t get attached to anyone. Then, at least, I won’t feel bad for being rejected by someone. It’s come to a point where I look forward to class, because at least then, I don’t have to devote my mind to these thoughts. Quiet is violent.
If I’m nice, then why is it that every other person I meet walks out on me? Why is it that I offer my shoulder for people to cry on, and when I need the very same support, I’m left alone again?
It seems, that being nice to people, being a good person, doing good deeds for others has become my undoing, and making me feel bad about myself, right to the point where I ended up putting this quote on my wall:
“He had lent an ear to the lonely, lent a shoulder to the needy. He lent his everything, but when the time came for him to beg camaraderie, he was like the captain of a sinking ship, with nothing but nothing by his side”
Back at it! I know it’s been too long since I’ve written something, and I’ve been attacked by many people, asking as to why I haven’t updated my blog (yes, I’m showing off my fan-base right now).
Things haven’t exactly been…smooth. I had lung infection. Lost about 20 Kgs. Had a falling out with a friend. Got rejected. My jar of Nutella got over. Yes, I’m struggling to live the chill life. So whenever someone asked exactly why I didn’t update my blog earlier, I had a standard reply ‘I don’t know what to write about’.
Honestly, no. It was never about me not having a topic to write on. It was more about plucking up the guts to put something up on my blog, because I’ve come to learn that every word is analysed, and everything has repercussions.
When I first started off writing, I never thought I’ll have readers. I never thought that people would actually read the stuff that I write about. Hence, I wrote like I was writing a diary. I wrote for myself. Of late, however… things have changed. I became caught up with the idea that my blog was amazing, and well, it went to my head. I began to publicize my blog, tried to make it more suitable to what the readers want. I began to think along the lines of ‘What would others like to read?’, and that is the reason why I haven’t been able to write anything. I had become so caught up with the idea of being accepted by everyone that I stopped thinking about myself, about what I wanted, what I needed. I forgot the initial reason as to why I’ve written on this blog. I still haven’t figured out a neutral topic to write about, but at the same time, this is all I could come up with, since I did get a lot of suggestions from people, with them asking me to write about self confidence, and self esteem and all that stuff. As to why they want a person who himself has low self esteem to write about the very same topic, I have no idea.
This is an excerpt from my own diary (yes, I maintain one). I couldn’t think of a better way to say, ‘It’s okay, everyone goes through the same phase, even me’, and no, like every other teenager, I have no idea how to go about making myself feel better. But then, I’ve put it out in the open, and I got it out of my system. I’ve already started my process of healing. There’s a saying that goes something like, ‘You can’t control the wind, but you can set the sails and hope for the best’? Words to live by.